I woke up to this truth recently. The truth that I belong to this feminine gender and that ( at least lately), it seems to make a difference to the way people interact with me. Some orkut mails, that came my way only because I belong to the " fairer" sex, caused some initial agitation in me. It's sad, the sleaze you attract just because of your gender.Makes you wonder what you did to ask for it. Now I know it's not me, it's them. Anyone'll do. As long as she can read emails and is a girl.
I'd tried to get this gender boundary out of my mind ages back (why? consciously? or unconsciously? I still don't know), when I was transitioning from being a kid to being a teenager. Girl Teenager. To me, even if I was aware of the gender of the person in front of me, it didn't figure in my list of things to look out for. I don't know if I started expecting the same from all who crossed my way, but it didn't matter as long as I knew what I was looking for.
With the wonderful childhood I had, I grew up looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses, and still do. The seamy side of human existence has never held my attention for long, because I'd switch off when the negative vibes got too much to handle. It doesn't do to dwell on vibes. Good or bad. So, once in a while, a coupla close-shaves, or nasty moments while I was out exploring the hills, would jolt me back to reality, and remind me of my physical appearance. And remind me of the fact that I'd been living in this virtual, genderless world. That was far removed from reality. Which is why I found it easy to spend hours a day with anyone at all, at any unearthly hour of the day, and be mindlessly unaware of their gender. That of course, was interpreted by other people ( more aware of physical and gender differences than I was) as me being a flirt, having no qualms about spending hours with people who don't belong to my gender. I don't blame them for their perception. Or the lack of it. Anyways, the misinterpretations led to some explain-yourself sessions, which I did, but still couldn't get my point across. Because they couldn't understand that I don't look at myself as being just a girl. Neither could I explain why so. I gave up trying to explain that gender doesn't figure in my list of priorities, because it was heartening to note that this wasn't all they saw in me.
Now when I enter this "marriagable" age ( ok, this is NOT the primary reason), I am trying to draw lines and segregate where the child ends, adult begins, girl ends, woman begins, I end, others begin,words end, realizations and experiences begin, creator ends, the created begins. These lines are fleeting, ephemeral, flashing at me from somewhere, and when I reach there, they playfully flash from somewhere else. The last year has been successfully utilized in drawing a skeleton sketch, when this whole game of self-realization began, but there's still plenty of no-man's land. I think I need to label flags and plant them there, draw clearly defined lines, before I agree to things like marriage. It seems like such a far-away thought, even at the "ripe" age of 24
It's almost as if I'm not the one being spoken of.
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