Simon and Garfunkel... listening to that song after a long time. It seems like my period of isolation is about to end. Self imposed to an extent, but largely driven by events that kept unfolding throughout the year. It's not the done thing, it's not honourable to stay at home when you're supposed to be earning, blah blah. But since I'd done my share of earning, and even paid for my B.E expenses partly, my parents know I'm not the types to splurge on myself even if I want to, when there are education loans waiting to be paid back. They have faith that I have my priorities in order. Which is why, they perfectly accepted, even if they didn't understand, when I didn't follow the crowd to go earn my moolah after the initial few months ( just a taste of financial independance to see what it feels like). I felt the need for independance on other levels though. Financial independance can happen anytime I wish. But if I don't break free of limitations that I have identified on other more important levels, then I might just end up spending my life circumscribed by them. Because personal space and time is limited once you go out into the world. Routine numbs a lot. Enhances all others.
I needed to find myself after I came out of the bandwagon ( read: B.E). I needed to do that more than I needed to earn, splurge, etc. But it wasn't a conscious decision to stay at home. That, just happened. And because of circumstances far beyond my control. So far beyond my control that it borders on the ridiculous. But I've known more impossible circumstances in my B.E, so this was't so hard to believe for me. To the outsider, it might not make sense at all. But while I was at home, it was a conscious decision not to spend much time hanging out with my different groups of friends. Though I got to know a lot of people very well, I spent more time just being myself, to find out what the core of my being is made up of. To see whether I really have any likes/dislikes (not influenced by my sun-sign or upbringing) in life.
Turns out that I don't.
All things I discover about myself seem to have something to do either with my Zodiac Sign ( there it comes.... tadaaaa!) or with my upbringing's influence. I've spent a lot of time on pattern recognition, last year. Not like I was in the Thinking man's pose, waiting for insights to dawn on me, but all this happened while I went about my daily business, learning what I had to, unlearning most others. But invariably, almost everything that I do or don't do in my daily life, is a shadow of some element of someone's personality, or an element of my Zodiac. The other signs have it easy, they have fixed routes to follow to a large extent. But the piscean is always mutable. The biggest truth about me that I've discovered is that I can be anything. It's SO easy for me to transform my thinking according to that of who ever's next to me, or talking to me.
Once the transformation is done, I can almost predict what they're going to say next. And after they say what they have to, I can feel the energies in their mind after they've said so. All this is stuff that'll land me in NIMHANS if my parents get to hear of it. To others who don't care, this'll be the last sign they needed to classify me as insane. But to me it's the greatest truth. From the beggar on the street who pulls my sleeve, to the don't-know-what-to-do-with-so-much-wealth types I saw in Hyderabad, to the brain-dead, soul-empty software engineer I met on the train to mysore, to the lovely vibes that my uncle and aunty in mysore give out. I can feel it all. More importantly, it becomes a part of me while I'm with them. I carry those vibes home with me. I don't want to do that. But I've been doing so all my life without realizing it. I am overstocked with vibes right now.
Which explains the occasional stack overflow in my mind and the consequent hang up, because all resources are being utilized by some infinitely recursive pointless operation. That's when I switch off, not consciously intending to. That's when I lose awareness of what's happening around me. There're only two stages.
1) I'm in your shoes, and have understood why you walk like that, and inadvertantly have started walking like you.
2) My mind's switched off.
I needed all of last year to find an in-between state, where I'm not being someone or something. I realize that as the higher purpose behind strange quirks of fate making those interviews not happen ( you have to be super dumb not to get thru that kinda nonsense), dragging on a simple passport process for some 3 months, and scores of others that I don't care about anymore, to list down.
While there were colours of upbringing and circumstances and people being mixed in my palette, there was also a parallel stack building up. That of experience. This, along with some basic principles that I have, are the basic cornerstones of any decision I've ever taken in my life. The experience stack is culled from other stacks ( MoS - Moral of the Story Stack, Feel of the Story Stack, Cause of the Story Stack) which stored the vibes. I needed to take stock last year.
The progress : Meditation classes happened, I meditated, battled all the negativity that was being thrown up ( and still is), learnt to live with cycles of complete withdrawal and complete exuberance alike. With cycles of extreme negativity and peaceful contentment alike. I needed to be alone for this state of mind to happen. I now know what part of me takes decisions, is influenced by what factors and why so. I have also realized that some higher force had ordained for this one year gap to happen. It would've happened in the middle of my B.E, had my prayers not caused a miracle. Sounds like too much to take, I know, but those who know what happened agree that what happened was far beyond usual expectations. But since I managed to avert what seemed like a crisis ( losing a year in B.E is a deep stigmatic thing here, no matter what the explanation is), I realize that I'd only succeeded in post-poning it. I needed this year to find out if I even exist as an individual. I had to sort out the different colours mixed in my palette and arrive at my shade.
Turns out my shade IS pure white. All colours mixed. I can be anything, anytime. My identity IS that my identity can be anything. I can feel for, understand, carry home a part of everyone I meet. Maybe I should stop tracing reflections of everyone in my personality and just BE.
But it's been good to have established contact with my inner yardstick and see how it works.
It's been good to have seen different levels of quality in me, coming out as a reflection of my state of mind at particular instants.
It's time to look at more tangible things now.
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1 comment:
:) If Jung said that, then here's what my father said. " You see in others, what you are yourself". All said and done, Blue, it is your own search for the whole that makes you appreciate someone's miniscule efforts at trying to understand the big picture.
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