Sunday, May 15, 2005

Of cloudy mornings and sunny days.

The last two months have been filled with too many things, and none of them done to the level of perfection that I keep in mind before starting out on them. Why? That’s self-explanatory. Too Many Things.

Those words have been the ‘bane’ of my existence so far. Not that I’m an 85 year old granny looking back at life (or what I might remember of it at that age...). I still have a long way to go. But it’s the same situation repeating itself in my life. I wonder if I’ve missed the right lesson each time. I’ve learnt, but for such situations to repeat themselves in my life, it can only mean that I still have more to learn from them.

I have cousins who’re wonderful people, highly intellectual, well focused, and extremely helpful by nature. Those people pretty much knew where they were going in life. At least it looks like that to me. They either didn’t have this jumble of voices in their head, or they had one voice shouting louder than the rest.

Or, beyond a point, they chose ignore the whole din inside their head, look outside instead and do what looks appropriate in that specific circumstance. Doing what the ‘immediate’ situation demands of me seems to be the easiest option now. That would surely keep everyone around me happy, even in the long run. Only thing, where does that leave MY long term plans? (Which, for the record, are dangling precariously right now). The working out of those long term plans needed some initial donkey work, one that does not show visible, heroic results, and I have had the conviction to give my precious time towards it at the risk of being underestimated (by those who don’t have faith in my sense of judgment) on grounds of practicality. And despite all the time and effort I’ve dedicated so far, the results are still subject to too many variables falling in place. It’ll be another month before the picture becomes clear. If it all works out, I know that it’ll be quite a pretty picture. If it doesn’t, we’re talking about 6 months wasted. To me, 6 months doesn’t seem much when I look at the pretty picture. It might seem like a long time to some people only if things don’t work themselves out at the end of this month.

Nevermind what it seems like, the fact is, 6 months flat, have been spent on a certain plan that is on tenterhooks right now. Now, two things can happen. Either the MS happens , or it doesn’t happen at all. If it happens, then the rest of the path is laid out for me, and I will gladly run till the end with all glee. On the other hand, if things don’t work out, then I take the decision NOT to do the MS, in which case, there’re enough plan B’s that I can fall back on. Perhaps, not with as much glee.

That’s what I need to work on. I need to reach a state where either way, it wouldn’t matter. Lately I haven’t been in sync with my energies, and that’s probably why the direction my life’s going to take, started to matter so much. I think once I get back in tune with myself, my focus would shift to the present moment, instead of the umpteen things that may or may not happen. After all, life, is what happens while we’re busy making other plans. So as it turns out now, shifting my attention to the present moment would be the way to get my energies in sync again. You reach stability by concentrating on your foothold at each instant, not by looking at the mountain peak (and the umpteen other surrounding peaks! Sigh! ).

But that’s when you’re sure you’re climbing the right mountain. Each step you take has the strength of your conviction. If you’re looking at other mountains that can take you to the same heights, but maybe each one with a different viewpoint (read: perspective), then your present moment does not get all your attention. Your foot goes forward only by compulsion, not by conviction.

In my case, I know what I want, I know what I need, but I see many ways to get there. And I don’t know which one to take.

Nonetheless, I know that the forces are with me, even in moments of doubt like this one. (Which is why I’m putting it all in words ….. doubts are best listed out….then the discordant jumble of voices in my head sounds like a choir. All I need to do then is catch the lyrics…).For example, a recent acquaintance has been of great help in helping me get back in touch with myself. In his words, if you put the thought in your head at any instant in boxes labeled Past, or Future, all you’re left with is the sights and sounds of the present moment. That’s when the present moment seems expansive, full of potential. I can only thank God for sending such good people my way when I need such words. I wish there was something I could do to repay such timely help.

Anyway, in this present expansive moment, at least my options are clear. After a few decisions come my way, I get to take the rest of the decisions and proceed. It’s just a matter of two months. So after the fog clears, I can decide which path to take.

Till then, there's more life to live.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Impressions 2

Here we have, in our minds, a handful of images, which we spend our lives living upto. Something put an "impression" in my mind, and no matter what situation I face, I try to see if it matches any of those impressions. Mostly without even intending to compare thus. I guess we all do. We have this database of emotions ( some of which we've been "taught" to feel), impressions, circumstances, and personalities. And no matter what we face, we first do a quick check to see if what we're facing doesn't match with one of those.

And if the situation matches something we've seen before, or heard of, or have been taught to anticipate, then almost always, our reaction is also laid out for us to enact. The day we really THINK before we act, we're said to have grown up. It's a part of growing up , when you analyze your reaction and try to figure out what influenced it. But that cycle of growth is complete only when then next time you see encounter such a situation again, your reaction is more carefully weighed before it is handed out. There are as many such cycles of growth as there are situations we face.

But to think for even 2 seconds before you react, there has to be a gap somewhere in your head. This gap is almost non-existent in my head when I'm in a city, because there're 5 tasks waiting in the pipeline, and analyzing reactions isn't exactly on priority. But even when I go to a place like Udupi, the situation I faced was that of emptiness. I didnt even take time to figure out if the emptiness was within or without. It could've been either. To analyze something logically, you first have to move away from it , to get a complete picture. You can't be in the throes of it and expect a sound objective analysis to happen. Maybe coming out of Bangalore , into a place like Udupi, threw me out of a situation that I'd grown too used to, and maybe Udupi made me hear the emptiness in me which perhaps I couldn't hear in the ho-hum of Bangalore.

Alternately, the emptiness in Udupi which I encountered, need not have been a reflection of internal status :D

Eitherway, the point is that I never took the time to think over what I was facing at that instant. I was busy. I was busy caught in conditioned reflexes like Pavlov's pet, and my reflex reaction was to feel lousy that there's so much emptiness in this moment.


Finally, forget why I felt that emptiness. Let me see what happened after I felt it.

Two things here.

  • 1. I experienced the emptiness for a bit and “automatically” wanted to “go away” from it, by thinking about Bangalore or whatever else.
  • 2. What’s wrong with emptiness. What’s unpleasant about it that made me want to escape from the present moment? Have I associated emptiness with a negative feel?

I’m becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the unpleasant tinge associated with emptiness is NOT a Pavlovian association. It is NOT conditioned by an external source. It is the most heartfelt experience, albeit unpleasant ( as the mind may see it). Man's most primal instict is to abhor solitude when it comes unsolicited. It’s evident that living in groups (herds...) is a characteristic feature that our species wasn’t given a choice about.

And for good reason. Because communication is thus facilitated, and hence all the progress down the timeline. Communication makes people happy at least for the reason that it assures man he is not alone. Even a fight, or an argument, carries with it the assurance that it is only breaking silence that would be unbearable for the unprepared mind.

What we do have a choice over, is the associations we make with these impressions. Up till a certain stage, even the meaning of emotions ( like happy, sad, gloomy, excited) is taught to us. But beyond a point, we can really choose what we want to feel, at any point of time, under any circumstance. Forget the initial reflex action that the mind gives out. There’s more that can be controlled. That’s pretty much what the present moment is all about. A string of such moments is what life is about.