Of cloudy mornings and sunny days.

The last two months have been filled with too many things, and none of them done to the level of perfection that I keep in mind before starting out on them. Why? That’s self-explanatory. Too Many Things.

Those words have been the ‘bane’ of my existence so far. Not that I’m an 85 year old granny looking back at life (or what I might remember of it at that age...). I still have a long way to go. But it’s the same situation repeating itself in my life. I wonder if I’ve missed the right lesson each time. I’ve learnt, but for such situations to repeat themselves in my life, it can only mean that I still have more to learn from them.

I have cousins who’re wonderful people, highly intellectual, well focused, and extremely helpful by nature. Those people pretty much knew where they were going in life. At least it looks like that to me. They either didn’t have this jumble of voices in their head, or they had one voice shouting louder than the rest.

Or, beyond a point, they chose ignore the whole din inside their head, look outside instead and do what looks appropriate in that specific circumstance. Doing what the ‘immediate’ situation demands of me seems to be the easiest option now. That would surely keep everyone around me happy, even in the long run. Only thing, where does that leave MY long term plans? (Which, for the record, are dangling precariously right now). The working out of those long term plans needed some initial donkey work, one that does not show visible, heroic results, and I have had the conviction to give my precious time towards it at the risk of being underestimated (by those who don’t have faith in my sense of judgment) on grounds of practicality. And despite all the time and effort I’ve dedicated so far, the results are still subject to too many variables falling in place. It’ll be another month before the picture becomes clear. If it all works out, I know that it’ll be quite a pretty picture. If it doesn’t, we’re talking about 6 months wasted. To me, 6 months doesn’t seem much when I look at the pretty picture. It might seem like a long time to some people only if things don’t work themselves out at the end of this month.

Nevermind what it seems like, the fact is, 6 months flat, have been spent on a certain plan that is on tenterhooks right now. Now, two things can happen. Either the MS happens , or it doesn’t happen at all. If it happens, then the rest of the path is laid out for me, and I will gladly run till the end with all glee. On the other hand, if things don’t work out, then I take the decision NOT to do the MS, in which case, there’re enough plan B’s that I can fall back on. Perhaps, not with as much glee.

That’s what I need to work on. I need to reach a state where either way, it wouldn’t matter. Lately I haven’t been in sync with my energies, and that’s probably why the direction my life’s going to take, started to matter so much. I think once I get back in tune with myself, my focus would shift to the present moment, instead of the umpteen things that may or may not happen. After all, life, is what happens while we’re busy making other plans. So as it turns out now, shifting my attention to the present moment would be the way to get my energies in sync again. You reach stability by concentrating on your foothold at each instant, not by looking at the mountain peak (and the umpteen other surrounding peaks! Sigh! ).

But that’s when you’re sure you’re climbing the right mountain. Each step you take has the strength of your conviction. If you’re looking at other mountains that can take you to the same heights, but maybe each one with a different viewpoint (read: perspective), then your present moment does not get all your attention. Your foot goes forward only by compulsion, not by conviction.

In my case, I know what I want, I know what I need, but I see many ways to get there. And I don’t know which one to take.

Nonetheless, I know that the forces are with me, even in moments of doubt like this one. (Which is why I’m putting it all in words ….. doubts are best listed out….then the discordant jumble of voices in my head sounds like a choir. All I need to do then is catch the lyrics…).For example, a recent acquaintance has been of great help in helping me get back in touch with myself. In his words, if you put the thought in your head at any instant in boxes labeled Past, or Future, all you’re left with is the sights and sounds of the present moment. That’s when the present moment seems expansive, full of potential. I can only thank God for sending such good people my way when I need such words. I wish there was something I could do to repay such timely help.

Anyway, in this present expansive moment, at least my options are clear. After a few decisions come my way, I get to take the rest of the decisions and proceed. It’s just a matter of two months. So after the fog clears, I can decide which path to take.

Till then, there's more life to live.