Thursday, May 12, 2005

Impressions 2

Here we have, in our minds, a handful of images, which we spend our lives living upto. Something put an "impression" in my mind, and no matter what situation I face, I try to see if it matches any of those impressions. Mostly without even intending to compare thus. I guess we all do. We have this database of emotions ( some of which we've been "taught" to feel), impressions, circumstances, and personalities. And no matter what we face, we first do a quick check to see if what we're facing doesn't match with one of those.

And if the situation matches something we've seen before, or heard of, or have been taught to anticipate, then almost always, our reaction is also laid out for us to enact. The day we really THINK before we act, we're said to have grown up. It's a part of growing up , when you analyze your reaction and try to figure out what influenced it. But that cycle of growth is complete only when then next time you see encounter such a situation again, your reaction is more carefully weighed before it is handed out. There are as many such cycles of growth as there are situations we face.

But to think for even 2 seconds before you react, there has to be a gap somewhere in your head. This gap is almost non-existent in my head when I'm in a city, because there're 5 tasks waiting in the pipeline, and analyzing reactions isn't exactly on priority. But even when I go to a place like Udupi, the situation I faced was that of emptiness. I didnt even take time to figure out if the emptiness was within or without. It could've been either. To analyze something logically, you first have to move away from it , to get a complete picture. You can't be in the throes of it and expect a sound objective analysis to happen. Maybe coming out of Bangalore , into a place like Udupi, threw me out of a situation that I'd grown too used to, and maybe Udupi made me hear the emptiness in me which perhaps I couldn't hear in the ho-hum of Bangalore.

Alternately, the emptiness in Udupi which I encountered, need not have been a reflection of internal status :D

Eitherway, the point is that I never took the time to think over what I was facing at that instant. I was busy. I was busy caught in conditioned reflexes like Pavlov's pet, and my reflex reaction was to feel lousy that there's so much emptiness in this moment.


Finally, forget why I felt that emptiness. Let me see what happened after I felt it.

Two things here.

  • 1. I experienced the emptiness for a bit and “automatically” wanted to “go away” from it, by thinking about Bangalore or whatever else.
  • 2. What’s wrong with emptiness. What’s unpleasant about it that made me want to escape from the present moment? Have I associated emptiness with a negative feel?

I’m becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the unpleasant tinge associated with emptiness is NOT a Pavlovian association. It is NOT conditioned by an external source. It is the most heartfelt experience, albeit unpleasant ( as the mind may see it). Man's most primal instict is to abhor solitude when it comes unsolicited. It’s evident that living in groups (herds...) is a characteristic feature that our species wasn’t given a choice about.

And for good reason. Because communication is thus facilitated, and hence all the progress down the timeline. Communication makes people happy at least for the reason that it assures man he is not alone. Even a fight, or an argument, carries with it the assurance that it is only breaking silence that would be unbearable for the unprepared mind.

What we do have a choice over, is the associations we make with these impressions. Up till a certain stage, even the meaning of emotions ( like happy, sad, gloomy, excited) is taught to us. But beyond a point, we can really choose what we want to feel, at any point of time, under any circumstance. Forget the initial reflex action that the mind gives out. There’s more that can be controlled. That’s pretty much what the present moment is all about. A string of such moments is what life is about.


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