Hyderabad 2 . The Wonder Woman

Next, a home visit ( cousins) made me thank God for making me see what silent strength is all about. I couldn't survive a minute in a house that asked me to bring 20,000 in cash when I'm 5 months pregnant, because my mother's ill with tuberculosis and she can't help me deliver my first born, as is the tradition, and hence my in-laws will have to do the honours. Hence the 20000 cash, for "expenses". I can swallow the worst of words, but to do it daily, to have a husband who can't stand up to his ULTRA dominating mother, who can't stand up for the truth, who is 6 ft tall, but lacks a spine altogether, to have a mother in law who's only achievement in life has been emotional subjugation....I don't think I'd survive a second. And after looking at my cousin face all this without batting an eyelid, after having seen the free-bird that my cousin was,I wonder if Indian women get their famous emotional strength AFTER the marriage, or in the face of such poisonous atmosphere. We're the same age, and have both seen too much love at home to get used to living under someone's emotional manipulation. This cousin of mine was born and brought up in Delhi, and can't even speak English without sounding like a Delhi-ite. Kannada is out of question. She even dreams in Hindi. I myself know the intonation and accent that Hindi leaves with you is very difficult to get rid of, but this lady's transformed herself from the beautiful , swabhimani girl she was, to this ultra traditional , obedient daughter in law, who can still love her husband despite seeing that behind his suave looks, was a spineless man. To her credit, she's lived a life of jokes and laughter ( her entire family in delhi was known for being the liveliest of the lot), and has still kept her cheer. She has never played cunning games of domination, and her only intention was to make her in-laws see that. The lady's therefore, given up a career, ( her first year MCom exam was 2 months after her wedding, and second year Mcom exam is 2 months after she's delivered a baby boy. She gets up 10 times in the night to feed the 3-month-old baby, leaves her books 30 times in the day to change its daipers, when she's done with the cooking and cleaning, that is. ) , she 's given up her loud laughter, and has proved to her parents in law and husband that she will not get down to playing the one-upmanship games. She's given in to EVERYTHING they've asked for her. She learnt kannada, didn't bother about the accent, and learnt devarageethe and sang at a wedding just to please her mom-in-law. She knew how bad the song sounded because of her hindi accent, but didn't care about making a fool out of herself. She's even gone ahead and concieved despite knowing how her in-laws are. Nevermind the Masters in Commerce. Her mother in law was proudly bragging to us 2 days back that she's transformed my cousin from being this yo city girl to being this sarva-guna-sampann housewife. I looked at my cousin smiling at this, and had tears in my eyes for a second.

When I spoke to her , I told her that her real identity is her dignity and goodness of heart. And that she hasn't let them take away those. They don't even know that her identity is defined not by the clothes she wore, or the language she spoke ( which they've made her change), but by things far more abstract. Intangible. She nodded and said she's glad someone sees the truth.

Her ma-in-law now DOTES on her totally. Takes care of all her needs, tells us what a nice person her daughter in law is, and that she thinks her daughter in law is "GREAT" because she saw the fact that she doesn't have that cunning buddhi in her. Point has been made, cousin, congratulations.

I'm now inclined to believe that when the worst hits you, you somehow get the strength to face it. No amount of mental preparation works , it's all about how you tackle your feelings at the instant it hurts the most. The brain can only say " I told you so", and while its foresight and hindsight may help you chart out a course of action, it largely depends on your goodness of heart to take the right step.

My cousin says her husband was brought up to be mama's boy, and has known no other way of life. Her MIL was brought up seeing these domination games, and has known no other way of life. She says" I have to live my life with them to make them see other levels of existance. No amount of words will do the trick here, it's got to be my actions that'll reach their heart strings. Their minds will become easy to talk to once their feelings for me change. " I just wonder if they know how forgiving my cousin is. I just wonder how they'll live with themselves after they realise that. I wonder how proud her dad's soul must be feeling, knowing what a dignified fighter his youngest daughter is.

This lady's battle is on a totally different level, one that her in-laws can never percieve as a battle zone. She has given up every battle, every second, to win a war. She has even given up her identity to them. All with no hopes of changing things, just knowing that she can't really talk back on the same cheap level, and that the least she can do is hold on to her dignity and inherent good nature. And the fact that she's alone in Hyderabad facing all this for 2 years, never once mentioning about her sorrows to her bed-ridden mother back home in Delhi, or her happily married elder sisters in Bangalore and Delhi, or to her exhausted brother; shows me that this lady's made of iron. She'd cried telling me about this once during her brother's wedding last year, that was when she was 5 months pregnant, and her mother in law had just placed a demand of 20k then, after seeing my cousin's mother lying down and witnessing her son's wedding, and he'd cut down on his wedding expenditures to pay that 20k. I'd seen the resolve in my cousin's eyes through all the tears in our eyes.

It is now, that the mother in law, whose husband doesn't dare to speak out against her and a son brought up to support her even if she's 200% wrong, suddenly finds her son's quit his high paying job at an MNC bank to join another one in Bangalore. The bird hasn't found its voice yet, but has developed wings to fly away. Sometimes, words just don't do. You gotta act to prove your love, you gotta act to attain love. After seeing the lively girl he married transformed to being what she is, all to keep peace at home and maintaining her dignity through all this, the man's moved, no doubt. He's probably never seen such strength in his life. It makes him want to give her all he has. This one's all about winning hearts.