There are times, when I'm not typecasting, when all colours seem different. The uniqueness of each one is a thrill to watch. And yet, each is but a variation of the mix of only 3 colours that make a million colours. Sounds - each one is unique because of the specific combination of overtones. There are many similar examples. Human beings are one more. Ayurveda says that it's the specific combination of the tridosha and triguna that give you a unique nature. But in this one case, there are many more variables involved. But still, as a friend recently told me, Zen says that you come from nature and you go back to nature.
In between, we spend time learning about our own nature. By accident, or by purpose.
Right now, there're some aspects of my nature that I can't bravely explore, without getting a bad feeling in the gut.
I can't let go of myself on these domains.
To run freely , where there's no sentry guarding every heartbeat.
I just can't.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Contrasts, and The golden middle
Balance. The one-word substitute for what life tries to teach us all the time. In the last year, if I had to boil down my experiences into one word, it would be - contrast. It felt like it was ordained - that wherever I look, extremities of experience come my way, and I continously realize the golden-ness of the middle.
Of jingle bells and wedding bells
Back after more than a year. Update. From last jingle bells '06 to jingle bells '07, and of the future wedding bells. Have fairly had my hands full and it's been a great experience. It's had its share of highs and lows - where I had to study 17 hours a day sometimes just to stay afloat, but the grind was worth it. The steeper the climb, the more you go out of breath, but the view surely becomes more expansive.
In december of last year, I met friends who lead their lives far away from the influences of logic. It's been a great change from the friends I've had till now, who spend most of their time in intellectual pursuits. I see both extremes now, and realize that because there are so many elements that go into making a good life, it is important to stay in touch with all aspects of it. Every now and then we must stop and experience this totality. In focussing on getting the next thing to be done, we tend to grow more along certain dimensions and less on the more abstract aspects of our character.
We feel the presence of these abstract aspects only when they're not around us. Last jingle bells, I suddenly missed the love at home, the open hearts, the quiet, loving wisdom of my parents , and the sheer colours and noise , the sights and sounds and smells of the busy yet laidback life in bangalore.
I've also met people who have no excess baggage. Their hearts, mind, and bodies are light, they are happy souls travelling in this world, soaking up the here and now like children, breathing the moment alone. I can't remember when was the last time I felt so light. I have a long way to go before I can shed so many unused boxes in my head. One of such friends from UK is actually travelling around the world for a year. It's been such a big change seeing the world through his eyes. As I've said before in one of my blog posts earlier, without the filters our intellect puts up, real life colours are much brighter. It has cleared some fog in my head about what we humans have been given, what we want, and what we really need.
I've been unbelievably lucky in many aspects in UK and in life this far, and I've often felt nothing but ashamed at having done little to earn such divine love. But in the end, I had no desire left to further experience UK. I was yearning for the constant sounds and sights one gets to see in bangalore. And packed my backs and reached here. If things don't work out in a year, I can always re-apply for a year's work permit. I don't think I'll ever consider that option. It's there only as some silly cushion.
In bangalore, after the initial euphoria subsided, I woke up to certain uncomfortable influences outside my family, even as I soaked myself in the bliss of being at home. These are testing times, when only people who love me tend to have faith in me. Thankfully, there are a lot of them. They wouldn't hesitate to shake me by the shoulders if they think I'm wrong. And then there're people who'd be cold signposts - it's your headache to be able to see thru the smog around you and read and decrypt what they say, and try not to shiver in the coldness. With them, all's well at a level of fun and information. I now see the difference between friends who actually care, and aquaintances who've been around too long whom I mistook as being friends. No hard feelings here, but definitely some joy at coming out of the smog and seeing the light about this. I definitely feel cared for by the divine at having been able to see this truth.
But apart from this downside, which was actually long coming, everything else has been sheer bliss. I've enjoyed all my old music, on my fantastic speakers, spent quality time with granma while she was at my place, got excellent marks in my assignments, had great food - not in that order.
The only new thing happening in my life, post UK, is groom-hunt - a.k.a pre-wedding-bells. The less I speak about it the better. The good part is that your self-realization curve goes up STEEP... you learn more about yourself through the eyes of strangers. There are beautiful moments too - priceless mother-daughter conversations being the cause for some of them. And of course, you do meet some smart people, who, even if you can't spend a lifetime with them, end up being friends. The bad part: The fake concern shown, the fake excitement at making new 'friends - no matter which way we decide' - can't believe I didn't see through the politically correct bullshit. There's also the emotional pain of gently shaking off someone who's already wearing their emotions on their sleeve, and who won't take no for an answer. I know it's easier to just walk away from it, but if communications persist beyond an initial point, then my morals tell me that I owe someone a decent answer, no matter how difficult it is to break it to them. There're people who claim they're really really glad to have met you but when things don't work out, don't even bother to end things gracefully and disappear off the horizon, like you're some vegetable they were picking and found a better deal elsewhere. There're people who ask you to mail your pics across, but won't mail theirs despite your request, and will insist on directly meeting - not giving you the choice that they got a chance to make. After perhaps the first experience of emotionally opening up to a stranger, I'm now more guarded and quiet in my communication, and don't lay out my general affections for all to see. It's worse when I only know what I don't want. It'll be a lot better if I knew what I wanted. I'm getting sorely tempted to take some radical decisions, but I just have too many things to do on my academic front for now to think about this.
Apart from this, the bangalore euphoria's still on in every cell of my body - while I savour the food, I'm hugely tempted every day, to resume playing music, learn driving, finish trying some pencil sketches, check out the never ending series of concerts and plays, do yoga, meditate, walk, jog, stretch, breathe the weather, soak in the sun, drink fresh, authentic, filter coffee, relish eating fruits that are really really cheap (!), read books, loaf with cousins, go spend sometime at rayara mutt, attend weddings and catch up and EAT, travel happily ( kerala, mysore, bombay in one month! ) , resume carnatic music classes, teach my cousin math and sanskrit, read up on acoustics, catch up with friends, proof-read entrance essays, project reports, resumes of friends, thrill myself with some fantastic e-book sites that host loads of acoustics books, resume playing the keyboard, dream of buying a guitar, and oh.. shop. The last one wasn't something I cheerfully did all these years.... but now it's time I bother about being presentable and girl-like. The usual is good enough according to me, but I've recently been inspired by a dear friend to view all this womanly fussing as a celebration of life rather than a cumbersome task.
I manage to do many of the above-mentioned daily, and some of them at least once a week and two of them at least once a month.
Life's so good.
In december of last year, I met friends who lead their lives far away from the influences of logic. It's been a great change from the friends I've had till now, who spend most of their time in intellectual pursuits. I see both extremes now, and realize that because there are so many elements that go into making a good life, it is important to stay in touch with all aspects of it. Every now and then we must stop and experience this totality. In focussing on getting the next thing to be done, we tend to grow more along certain dimensions and less on the more abstract aspects of our character.
We feel the presence of these abstract aspects only when they're not around us. Last jingle bells, I suddenly missed the love at home, the open hearts, the quiet, loving wisdom of my parents , and the sheer colours and noise , the sights and sounds and smells of the busy yet laidback life in bangalore.
I've also met people who have no excess baggage. Their hearts, mind, and bodies are light, they are happy souls travelling in this world, soaking up the here and now like children, breathing the moment alone. I can't remember when was the last time I felt so light. I have a long way to go before I can shed so many unused boxes in my head. One of such friends from UK is actually travelling around the world for a year. It's been such a big change seeing the world through his eyes. As I've said before in one of my blog posts earlier, without the filters our intellect puts up, real life colours are much brighter. It has cleared some fog in my head about what we humans have been given, what we want, and what we really need.
I've been unbelievably lucky in many aspects in UK and in life this far, and I've often felt nothing but ashamed at having done little to earn such divine love. But in the end, I had no desire left to further experience UK. I was yearning for the constant sounds and sights one gets to see in bangalore. And packed my backs and reached here. If things don't work out in a year, I can always re-apply for a year's work permit. I don't think I'll ever consider that option. It's there only as some silly cushion.
In bangalore, after the initial euphoria subsided, I woke up to certain uncomfortable influences outside my family, even as I soaked myself in the bliss of being at home. These are testing times, when only people who love me tend to have faith in me. Thankfully, there are a lot of them. They wouldn't hesitate to shake me by the shoulders if they think I'm wrong. And then there're people who'd be cold signposts - it's your headache to be able to see thru the smog around you and read and decrypt what they say, and try not to shiver in the coldness. With them, all's well at a level of fun and information. I now see the difference between friends who actually care, and aquaintances who've been around too long whom I mistook as being friends. No hard feelings here, but definitely some joy at coming out of the smog and seeing the light about this. I definitely feel cared for by the divine at having been able to see this truth.
But apart from this downside, which was actually long coming, everything else has been sheer bliss. I've enjoyed all my old music, on my fantastic speakers, spent quality time with granma while she was at my place, got excellent marks in my assignments, had great food - not in that order.
The only new thing happening in my life, post UK, is groom-hunt - a.k.a pre-wedding-bells. The less I speak about it the better. The good part is that your self-realization curve goes up STEEP... you learn more about yourself through the eyes of strangers. There are beautiful moments too - priceless mother-daughter conversations being the cause for some of them. And of course, you do meet some smart people, who, even if you can't spend a lifetime with them, end up being friends. The bad part: The fake concern shown, the fake excitement at making new 'friends - no matter which way we decide' - can't believe I didn't see through the politically correct bullshit. There's also the emotional pain of gently shaking off someone who's already wearing their emotions on their sleeve, and who won't take no for an answer. I know it's easier to just walk away from it, but if communications persist beyond an initial point, then my morals tell me that I owe someone a decent answer, no matter how difficult it is to break it to them. There're people who claim they're really really glad to have met you but when things don't work out, don't even bother to end things gracefully and disappear off the horizon, like you're some vegetable they were picking and found a better deal elsewhere. There're people who ask you to mail your pics across, but won't mail theirs despite your request, and will insist on directly meeting - not giving you the choice that they got a chance to make. After perhaps the first experience of emotionally opening up to a stranger, I'm now more guarded and quiet in my communication, and don't lay out my general affections for all to see. It's worse when I only know what I don't want. It'll be a lot better if I knew what I wanted. I'm getting sorely tempted to take some radical decisions, but I just have too many things to do on my academic front for now to think about this.
Apart from this, the bangalore euphoria's still on in every cell of my body - while I savour the food, I'm hugely tempted every day, to resume playing music, learn driving, finish trying some pencil sketches, check out the never ending series of concerts and plays, do yoga, meditate, walk, jog, stretch, breathe the weather, soak in the sun, drink fresh, authentic, filter coffee, relish eating fruits that are really really cheap (!), read books, loaf with cousins, go spend sometime at rayara mutt, attend weddings and catch up and EAT, travel happily ( kerala, mysore, bombay in one month! ) , resume carnatic music classes, teach my cousin math and sanskrit, read up on acoustics, catch up with friends, proof-read entrance essays, project reports, resumes of friends, thrill myself with some fantastic e-book sites that host loads of acoustics books, resume playing the keyboard, dream of buying a guitar, and oh.. shop. The last one wasn't something I cheerfully did all these years.... but now it's time I bother about being presentable and girl-like. The usual is good enough according to me, but I've recently been inspired by a dear friend to view all this womanly fussing as a celebration of life rather than a cumbersome task.
I manage to do many of the above-mentioned daily, and some of them at least once a week and two of them at least once a month.
Life's so good.
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